Give them roots and wings

When I was a teenager, full of angst, and causing my mother untold amount of grief, hating myself and fearing retribution, I told her, that I will never have children.

No doubt that caused her even more grief (if that was possible), and years of forlorn imaginations of herself, in her old age with no grandchildren.

She need not have worried.  After having my first born, I fell in love with being a mother – from the pregnancy, and even through the sleepless nights and tedious task of breastfeeding him.

I had a second soon after the first, and had the third when the first two were about five years old because I missed having a baby.

The night before Elias was born

Now I am a mother to three boys who fill my heart to overflowing every moment.

Our boys!

But for many years, after Samuel passed his baby years, I wished I could have a fourth.  I would look longingly at every newborn baby.

Even up to very recently, I still longed for a baby.

I asked Edmund whether he was really, really, very, very, very against having another baby.  He said – Yes (Not in CAPS, not shouting, because we were in the middle of a church service, but it was in bold and underlined).

This week, I met two babies. One was two weeks old, and another was four weeks old.  I carried the first, but not the second.  The babies were beautiful, as beautiful as mine were when they were babies.

Elias as a baby.  He was to grow to be cuter and cuter.

Samuel as a baby. He was to continue to have a radiant smile, always.

But I had changed.  I realised, that I no longer desire another baby.

It has ended for me, the need for another baby.  I feel set free.

Due to that, I feel that somehow, I now love all of my children even more (if that is possible), because I have finally accepted, that there will not be another.

My most memorable years….when Samuel was not yet one, and Elkan and Elias were just six and seven.

Today is mother’s day.  Each of them gave me gifts which were typical of them.

Elias wrote me a card, which he does ever so often, even when it is not mother’s day.

Elias’ card requires me to decode it from Morse code.

When Samuel saw that Elias had a card for me, he went to get his toy car (does it look familiar?  It is the toy Police car which I wrote about earlier), and gave that to me as a present.  He says :”I have a lot of cars” (as if….).  I appreciated his heart 🙂