Give them roots and wings

Last Friday Edmund and I were interviewed on 93.8 live. We were invited to share about how we bring up our children. We would never pass off any opportunity to talk about families, and about bringing up children. It is our passion. So we went.

A blur selfie.
Glad you were with me, dear.

But it took so much out of me. Firstly it’s because I am not naturally comfortable talking to people. That’s why I blog. I have many thoughts and emotions and I have a need to express them… But I do it best behind the keyboard.

Secondly, Edmund and I are really imperfect parents. Actually I think we are quite terrible parents. Throughout the interview Justine, the host, said many times “Edmund and Elisa believe in giving their children unconditional love and tapping on their inner potential”.

Well well.

That’s what we write on our blog, yes. But it’s a blog. It shows selective content. We use our best photos and tell our most inspiring stories.

All my stories are true and sincere and I believe in our parenting philosophies, e.g. unconditional love, encouragement and allowing the children to fail. But for every encouraging word we serve (that’s the new term facebook is using!), we dish out many times more discouraging and hurtful remarks. 🙁

Thank God our children always forgive us.

The teenage years are tough, and we are constantly drawing down on the emotional bank account we built up in the children from young.

We did have a good June holiday.
We went on a Staycation at Changi Village hotel.
Daddy brought Elkan and Elias out
for lunch, and to Pulau Ubin.
These are precious family moments and memories.

Family relationships are so fragile, and honestly, it is easy to fall out of love with a teenager. The difference between a rebellious 3 year old and a rebellious 13-year old is that the 3 year old can still be cute, whereas a 13 year old cannot. Generally, it is easy to feel protective and nurturing towards a 3 year-old, but it is much harder to feel that way towards a 13 year-old. It is tempting to harden our hearts towards our teenagers when they disappoint us, because honestly, we expect so much from these little smart-alecky mini-adults who think they know so much, and so do not want to listen to us, when they really don’t know what’s really good for them and how far they fall short of being able to survive in the real world (and blah blah blah).

Recently, I have been wondering – how does a cute, trusting and happy child turn into a distrustful adult? As I look at my still cute, and still rather trusting and happy early teens, and hear and see my death words (“fail”,”lousy”) land on them, I realise that it is such words which cause them to change. Each time the child hears hurtful remarks thrown at them (from his teachers, peers or his parents), they learn to build up walls to protect themselves. As time goes by, their walls will become thicker and thicker, and they lose their childlikeness. They become hard, and somehow, the traits that had made them endearing as little children disappear.

(Oh man… I am a murderer of little children…)

That is why, despite my near-depressive state after the radio show, I am glad we went onto the show, for whatever it was worth. We MUST give our children unconditional love, and continue to believe in them, and encourage them, for as long as we can, and as often as we can.

Every parent feels like a failure some time. But so long as we do not give up – on the children, nor on ourselves – there will always be hope.

Once I lambasted Elkan with a list of his failings. I cannot imagine that a mother can have so much cruelty and malice in her heart, but it is possible. (The bible is so accurate – there is much wickedness in man’s heart, and the heart is deceitful and without cure).

This cruel mum expected him to break down and cry. But his reply surprised me.  He maintained self-control (which I have clearly lost), and said “I know I have problems…Ok, I will fix it, ok?”

I never expected that a radio interview would cause me to reflect so deeply about my parenting, but I have been forced to hold a mirror up to my parenting and I found myself wanting in so many aspects.

But in the words of my precocious teen: “Ok, I will fix it, ok?”

Hey, we have destinies to fulfill!  There is no time to cry over falls and injuries! (In Elkan’s words again: “Aaint nobody got time for that!”)

Thank you, 93.8 live for the chance to share. It gave me the impetus to do better as a parent. 🙂