Give them roots and wings

I have a thirteen year old who is as sweet as a baby, a ten year old who is like a fourteen year old, and a six year old who bosses everyone around like he is already twenty-one.

Chinese New Year!
We always like to dress them alike.
If they are not wearing clothes of the same colour,
they will be wearing clothes with similar design.

If there is one thing I have learnt after years of parenting, it will be that every child has to be brought up differently, but in terms of morality, everyone is judged by the same benchmark.

I grew up watching Chinese dramas.  Being a child, I could not always understand the storyline.  But I always wanted to know whether someone was a “好人” (good guy) or a “坏人” (bad guy), and whether the “坏人” died in the end.  To me, “好人” basically meant someone of good character.  It did not necessarily refer to someone who had never committed a crime, or someone who had never made a mistake.  It was simply someone who was righteous, someone who loved justice, and someone who was, in his heart, really a “好人” even though he might look like a “坏人”.

As parents, we want to bring up children who will grow up to be a “好人”. I want my children to be good guys. They all want to be good guys too.

Recently, I have been playing some shooting games with Samuel.
He never allows me to be the good guy. I am always acting as the bad guy…

Becoming a good guy, just like many things in life, starts from the little things.

Every week, we go to church/cell meeting/Growing Kids God’s Way/Royal Rangers because “we need to learn to love God and learn God’s ways”.  Every month we have regular family devotion time because “we need to grow in God together”.  Every day we would pray for the children before they go to school and before they sleep because “prayer is power and it changes things and we pray for you because we love you”.

Every meal time we pray for others because “we need to care for other people”.

We have a little “roster” on the dinning table,
that tells us who to pray for during lunch/dinner.
Everyone repeats after the person who prays.
It helps to teach the children to pray.
Now the children take turns to lead the prayer too.

Every week we recite bible verses at mealtime because “we need to learn God’s word”.

My readers will know, that Samuel struggles with reading.
But he grew to know the bible verse which we have been reading quite well.
Recently, I changed it, and Samuel made a HUGE fuss.
He said : “Why do we need to do this? Other families don’t do this!”
I said :”We are different, we are citizens of heaven”.
He said : “No lah, I know we are from Singapore lah! Other Singapore families don’t do this!”
Of course, I insisted, gently. So he read.
My dear, dear son. I pray you will know it one day the way I know it now.
We are different.

Every week we visit their grandparents because “we need to show them our love”.  Every year we visit relatives during CNY because “they are our family”.  Every time we meet a neighbour or friend, they would have to greet him/her because “he/she is mummy/daddy’s friend and everyone is precious to God”.

Ah Gong loves you, my dear sons.
Your elders may not love you the same way daddy and mummy do.
They may not always understand you, but they love you the best way they know how.
Make sure you love them too.

Every day we have dinner together and chat (“What was the highlight of your day?” “Do you agree with what he did?.. Would you do the same thing?…”) Every week we go exercising and talk about big things and small things (“Ya, God is so good, isn’t He?” “What would you do if this happened to you?” “Do you think this is the right thing to do?” “When I was younger I used to think this way too…” “What do you think?… How do you feel?..” )

Every day I encourage (but mostly beg) the children to support me in my pick-a-litter campaign because “we need to love our country, and how can you die for your country one day, if you can’t even help to keep it clean?!”.

These are little things, but they are precisely the moments when we check the state of our children’s hearts and teach them life lessons.

Elkan is an early riser.
On some mornings he will wake up to see me spending time with God.
I would pass him the book I was reading, for him to read.
He likes to read, so he happily reads.
I like to ask him what he thinks about what he has read.
I have learnt as much from his answers as I have learnt from my own reflections.
His questions often prompted me to think harder too.
The children raise us even as we raise them.

The character development of our children is a life-long journey.  The going is not always smooth.

This is a family devotion time we had recently.
Someone was missing. He was not in the mood.
At his age, we can no longer cajole nor mandate him to join us.
So we carried on, while he watched from the breakfast counter.
He wanted his space, and we saw no advantage in forcing him to participate.

But it is critical to hold the benchmark constant.  Time and time again (e.g. the fifty cents lesson), I find my children rising up to the expectations and much happier after being held firmly with a loving hand.

This CNY is a case in point.  CNY is a really fun but also stressful time for all.  One of my precious ones became querulous on the 3rd day of CNY, with the thought of school looming over him.

I see no point in fighting with him over little things, so we had a major negotiation :”You either have the full set of a mother – love and discipline – or no mother at all. I would meet your basic needs – food, lodging and basic education but nothing else.  You cannot expect me to be showering you with affection and yet leave you in your lack of discipline and self-control.  To do that is not being loving, and I cannot be loving and not loving at the same time.”

Thankfully, he had the sense to choose having a mother.

After that he was subdued at dinner, finishing it at record speed.  At home, he complied with all instructions and his mood improved by the minute.  By the time when he was doing the work which he was supposed to, at 9+pm, he was nearly delirious with joy – having a little snack and chatting away with me, all smiles.

We have this rule in the family.
When we need to take a “kids with mum” photo,
all kids have to be inside, and smiling.
This was a forced-smile photo.
But it’s ok. Because later in the night, there were real smiles again.
It’s just mood, and mood must not become part of the family history.

I have been proven right so many times, that I have learnt just to ignore the bumps along the road.

We just keep on going.

In any case, our mission in life is not to be good parents.  Our mission in life is to be good people, who happen also to be parents.  As we grow in our own character, may we demonstrate to our children the best way to live.  May it inspire them so much, that they would want to live the same way too.

We are all God’s Project Braveheart and Steel Magnolia.  We will live as children of light.

Do visit the other mom bloggers on this blog-hop on Character Development of Children!

5 Feb 2013 – Rachel of Catch Forty Winks

12 Feb 2013 – Sarah of  The Playful Parents

26 Feb 2013 – Sharon of Oak Tree Baby

5th Mar 2013 – Jean of  Jean Stitch